How to hit on a woman politely: Pointers for the uninitiated

 This suddenly different sort of post is due to a 'news' article I read recently about how a success party for a movie ended on a very sour note because one man from the production company 'misbehaved' with one of the female assistant directors of the movie. It is a whole different matter because while several mainstream newspapers reported about the 'success' party along with pictures of the massively popular ensemble cast members, none reported about the 'ruckus' and 'trashing' that happened at the end of the party due to this 'upsetting' event. (Production head honcho was very upset about this evidently). The news of this has leaked because some of the party attenders have alluded to what happened on their social media.  

This got me thinking about how our boys - that is- most Tamil boys specifically and more liberally, young Indian boys (late teens and early twenties), have absolutely no idea on how to hit on single women they meet in clubs/pubs/restaurants without coming across as complete creeps. 

1. They do not know how to read if a woman is interested in them or not. ( Just because a woman is dancing with you, alone or with a group of friends, does not mean she wants you to paw her. It means she just wants to dance.)

2. Even if the guy perceives interest from a woman and reciprocate the interest, he does not know how to take it forward.

3. If they do make a verbal sexual proposition to a woman, it most often than not, comes across as creepy or crass that makes the woman/girl turn away in disgust. (Not everyone can be a Joey Tribbianni and click his tongue and make a kissy face and have women get naked. First that's not reality, and also Chennai, Bangalore, Hyderabad and Cochin is not New York.) 

(Disclaimer : I'm talking exclusively about boys/men who understand consent- I am not talking about the sexual harassers/ molesting creeps - This article is just about the run of the mill, regular Kumars of my generation) 

So - they need pointers/tips on making a proposition - a polite proposition to a woman, one that has a better response than getting a slap / slipper to the face, or worse if the boy is the clueless type who makes an idiot of himself(see above point 1), then, the girl gets shocked/ yells at him, and then, trashing from other men who are nearby. 

1 . Is the woman/girl sustaining eye contact with you ? This is the first indicator. Because if a girl identifies you as a creep/sleazo, then her eyes will slide away fast. You better not make an approach if there is anything sexual on your mind. 

2. Is your conversation interesting?  Coz if you are only going to keep on talking about your self and not let her get a word in, the interest will flag faster than the next coffee/ drink/course will arrive at your table/nook.

3. Girls these days are very progressive. If they are interested in you for more than friendship, most will let you know, if not explicitly, then at least there will be verbal indicators if not physical signalling. Learn to listen to the verbal and non-verbal cues the girl/woman is giving you.

4. It is perfectly okay to ask -"Can I kiss you? " in a polite tone and get a resounding "NO" as an answer and have an uncomfortable conversation or be ignored by the girl later, rather than hint around and waste your time and hers, or worse, try something stupid that would get you a slap on the face. 

5. Also, be mentally prepared that the girl may/will gossip about your moves/overtures with her friends and you may get snide remarks/be teased about your actions later by her friends and your friends if you have common friends or move in the same circles. Be prepared to take the teasing good natured-ly or at least to shrug it off with panache . ( This is if you are a poor reader of signs of interest shown in you and you have managed to completely misread the girl and she is angry/irritated with you.) 

6. If the answer is "Yes", then kiss her for sure, but try not to maul the poor girl/woman and try to let her take the lead so you understand where her comfort/discomfort levels are. After all, she only agreed to kiss you.  

Note: These points are all for newly met women/girls. If you are slotted firmly in the friend-zone with a girl you have known for a while, the open and sustained eye-contact the girl may maintain with you will be very different than if she wants to be in your pants. Please don't hit on your existing female friends unless you are ABSOLUTELY SURE there is sexual interest, because that is the fastest way to lose the friend.  

Lover to Kept Woman/Man to Whore/Man ho ?

In this day of liberalised love and subjective morality, I wonder where one draws the line between right and wrong. I am not talking about absolute wrongs like murder, theft and destroying public property, but when is sleeping with a person right and when is it wrong?

A section of my generation thinks that love and sex can be kept separate. I am talking about girls' ideas about love and sex here, because traditionally men have never seemed to have a problem with keeping wives and mistresses a plenty ( when they had the money) or visiting whores (when they didn't). There are far more historical figures of men with many lovers/wives/concubines/harems than women with similar number of lovers/gigolos/husbands/ etc. (All of the male gods in Hinduism - except Ram. Even if you argue that our epics are not real, but embellished stories, there are kings and nawabs with all number of wives and concubines - Ashoka to Akbhar to Shahjehan(3 wives inspite of his TajMahal sized love for one), world-wide there was Solomon, Henry VIII, Charles II( too many mistresses to count) to Mark Antony(not a king when he took all those extra wives and mistresses)  and an ex-chief minister of TN who will remain nameless, and these are just people we know of, because these men's lives were famous. But there are not half as many women who led lives where they had harems of pretty young men to service their needs. But, today the case is that women are far more liberal about expressing their need for sex and getting it too. So now, there is even more confusion about the morality of modern day liaisons.

(Note: The word lover here does not indicate one who is in love. Dictionary meaning of lover : a. A paramour. b. A sexual partner. Not using the desi meaning of the word 'lover')

Anyway, coming back to the point, most people I know and interact with on a daily basis think it is okay for any two consenting adults to indulge in hanky-panky. The story I want to relate is probably many a youngster's story. ASX(Girl) met AMK(boy) during a graduate program in Bangalore. Now, AMK has RK - girlfriend- in living and working in Mumbai. Over the course of their study ASX and AMK became lovers. Now, ASX knew about RK, the girl waiting back in Mumbai for her boyfriend to come back to her, which he did. Now, where does that leave ASX? Moving on with her life, but while he was her lover, what was she to him? Lover? Or Mistress? Do not get me wrong. I know stories where it was the girl who was supposed to be in a committed relationship, but slept with another guy on the side. So the in-between fling boy - was he just a gigolo who came free of charge?

When two free consenting adults come together for sex, people think there is nothing wrong with it. But, it is for the sad souls out there who think - " aah its just sex - so what is he/she is committed elsewhere ?" that this goes out to.

Do not be a mistress or a gigolo! Nothing good ever comes of that.

If it is just sex you are looking for there are other non committed people you can find. If you want a relationship, then that person looking to cheat on his/her boyfriend or girlfriend with you is not the one you want to be in a relationship with, because he/she will go back to their partners once they get bored or whatever it is they were looking to fulfill that their partners were not fulfilling, they will decide to go without it, as they had been, before you came along. If they think you are their "true love" they would have broken off with their partners to be your partner the moment they knew that you are way more suited to them, than their boyfriend/girlfriend.

It is whole different can of worms when both people indulging in an affair are committed elsewhere. Even worse when they are married people. Where is the morality? What is right and what is wrong? From lover to mistress/kept man to what next ? Whore/Man-ho?

That animal called the PJ party

I was in a houseful of drunk girls at a pj party yesterday. Now its all coming back, now that the hazy film over the conversations that had happened is dissolving. Obviously, there was way too much sex talk. Boys reading this will probably snicker to themselves, and imagine girls drooling about their glorious manliness. But the sad fact is that it was mostly girls moaning about the sad lack of expertise among the males in their lives and their general selfishness in bed. Methinks there was some point to the cosmo cover stories after all.

So, why are men selfish in bed? Is it something to do with genetics? Can't they be pleasure givers and be receivers? So, yeah it takes longer for a female to reach the big O. But patience is a virtue that pays rich dividends, or so say old proverbs something to that effect. If the girlfriend/wife/lover is satisfied, she is going to try harder to please the guy in return. If she is not, then obviously her interest in sex is going to vane so fast that the man would be bedding a cold fish much sooner than he can say menopasue.

So, coming back to the party, it takes all types, doesnt it? The party ended in much good spirits for most concerned. Certain events came to light much later during the next day, that is, today. That there are small little girls who want be handled by kid gloves by anyone they come in contact with. And if the 'person' doesn't know this, and lo behold, small little girl's big protector boyfriend will immediately rush to her defence. The boyfriend in question will call up said 'person' and mouth threats. I mean, where do these kids come from ? Oh wait, I know. Small towns, and hence small minds. Throw in a little hypocrisy, that everyone should have thick hides, but they will not. Any insults they throw are justified, but they can't take even the slightest jokes against them with a pinch of salt. The fact that I have to rant about this annoys me to no end. Urgh.

Meanwhile, another 'good' girl confessed into another's ear, under the effect of alcohol that sex was good. Ask her if what she said was true. own upto her statement under the cold harsh light of day, and you have committed sacrilege. All this hiding and secretiveness, and 'morality for show' makes me want to hurl. I want to go back into an environment, where it is okay to be oneself. Where it is okay to be lusty or prudish, loud or quiet, frank or reticent, friendly or unfriendly without fear of offending some little miss or kindergarden boy. Speaking of hurling, three girls did that too. But it was in the safe confines of the bathroom, thankfully.

The things I learnt over the summer

Summer is over, and back in Pune, it's already the monsoon season. And when it is not drizzling, the breeze is cool, and it was a jolt when I arrived here after being in Chennai for three months where the summer is still going strong. Of course, in Chennai, we don't really have any other season. It's summer all year round. (Discounting the two measly months of December and January, where it might not be as hot.)

In Pune though, the current weather is perfect for staying in bed all day, drifting in and out of sleep, and lamenting the fact that classes will start in a day or two, and that nine a.m arrives too soon in the day.

So, enjoying the lazing around, amongst other things I was thinking about what is it that I have learnt over the summer, from both my experience and from people around me.

1.  Indians who go to the US on short holidays totally miss the point of what that country is all about. The good and the bad.

2. Girls who are torn between two men and their love, and have a pathological need for drama, have to have the choice made for them. If not, it will be a love triangle for all their lives, which might be fine if not for the small fact of three sets of parents and siblings whose lives are kind of screwed. So, one needs to send such girls to therapists.

3. Human males who have pounding headaches should not attempt to have sex.

4. Management school teachers who use the non-word 'learnings' with a 's' at the end should be sent to elementary school again.

5. Ethics are a thing of the past as far as corporate hospitals are concerned. In the run for profits, the line between right and wrong has never been this blurry, ever.

6. Nieces and nephews, those cuddly things with bright, inquisitive gazes are enough to reaffirm anybody's faith in humanity.

7. The way to keep parents happy is saying 'yes' to most of their demands, and knowing when to keep one's mouth shut, and living in a place far enough away that they cannot jump into a train to see one, without disrupting very many peoples' schedules.

8. One should not walk into a ladies restroom in a club known for its homosexual clientile in Chennai or by extension, any other city, without knocking, or preferably, pounding on the door, unless one wishes to see  lesbian porn between a female from one's own group and a strange girl. I guess this applies for the men's restroom too.

9. One needs to be very careful with what one tells one's match-making friends, else they will ask for one's horoscope to send to one of their friend's parents.

10. Mangoes, for all their yummy-ness are loaded with calories. Well, I knew this already. Now, I know it even better.