How to be successful at marriage :-)

 Now that I have been married for almost 10 years, and my spouse and I have not murdered each other (yet :-) I feel experienced enough to turn into the agony aunt that we all love to hate. You know, the one who gives unsolicited advice whenever you meet ? (Oh Jeez, Can I not enjoy my coffee in peace before it cools down ?) The one you nod at with the same expression on your face for 10 minutes and hope she goes away? Yup, that's me now.

Now, the title of this piece could easily be " How to be successful at anything" but then it would become like a Dale Carnegie Book. 

1. Remember only the good things in your marriage and keep at it . Really - that's about it. First and last piece of advice. 

For those who need elaboration - here goes : Every aspect of our lives come with the good and the bad experiences and hence memories. Our jobs. Our studies. Our families. Our spouses. The only way to be successful at anything is keeping at it. And to consciously remember only the good things and not linger on the bad ones. Because when we keep bringing up and remembering the bad aspects of anything, we turn bitter, we lose the enthusiasm for the good parts, we get depressed and slowly turn towards ending the aspect- maybe job or the marriage or the course you are are studying. Then what? Finding the perfect job and perfect spouse can be a never ending search and is that really an effective use of our time instead of investing in the bird in our hand ? So, remember only the good parts, and live through the bad parts and immediately forget them. And be kind - to yourself and others. For, surely you aren't perfect at everything- and I'm sure you're a pain in some parts of your life and people have to put up with you just as they have to put up with me. 

But this is an ongoing process. This need to make yourself forget the bad experiences that come with married life. In the olden days, middle class women had a very different attitude to marriage- they were made dependant on the institution - Coz -not able to generate money for food is a big dinger. (Because mostly they were not employable because they were not educated.  Not to mention, that most middle class life across the world had women as only home makers because society was more unforgiving in those days for those who went against norms.)

 These days we have freedom  of choice about our education and career and it hardly inures us to hardships - because we don't face big hardships in our early years and marriage forces us- women and men equally but in different ways- into making space for someone else's wants and needs and the hardest aspect is to make space for the wants and needs of our spouses's families - in India at least where women are trained and groomed to leave their parents and go and live elsewhere with their husband's families, make career choices within constraints imposed by others - even if they don't want to.  When we begin to do things in our lives that we don't really want to  - in the interests of having a traditional family and raising children - it really jars with our individual needs, doesn't it?

 This unpleasantness is a part of grown up life and it chafes us - some more than others. So, the people and women in particular that succeed in a marriage are the ones who can look at the larger picture and put up with the small nuisances with good cheer. (Disclaimer - I'm not talking about putting up with wife beaters. I'm merely talking about putting up with your run of the mill, middle-class Indian Kumar and his family in the interest of the larger picture. Indian Kumar may not be so bad, he can even be Prince Charming on occasion:-)

Now for those who scoff and say I don't need to have a traditional family, or I don't need to have kids or I don't need a spouse's support even if I do want to raise kids, well kudos to you.  (Some recent studies show that the happiest people on the planet are women who are unmarried and have no kids - by choice. Here's a link if you want to know more : https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert ) If you are one of the above, then this particular blog article is clearly not meant for you. This is meant for the countless women and men who struggle daily with the idea of - Why should I put up with this shit? Because in India - while the rate is still low compared to global divorce rates (1.1% is India's divorce rate) the rate has actually doubled between 2000-2020 - here is a link about that if you want to know more -  https://www.livemint.com/news/india/non-marriage-very-rare-in-india-but-divorces-doubled-in-past-two-decades-report-1561486297890.html) and this question looms large : Why should I put up with all these choices that I haven't really made for myself?

Because the larger picture maybe worth it. And it's for you to decide if you want to make your marriage succeed , or if it is too horrible to live in and it's better to cut your losses and run now. Because the line each of us draws in the sand is different. I can put up with this much and no further. So, find your line. Sometimes you may be willing to re-draw it (if you have a supportive spouse) and sometimes not. And I will leave you again with what I started with: 

Remember only the good parts and try to live through and then forget the bad parts. Else every marriage we attempt will end in failure.