How to hit on a woman politely: Pointers for the uninitiated

 This suddenly different sort of post is due to a 'news' article I read recently about how a success party for a movie ended on a very sour note because one man from the production company 'misbehaved' with one of the female assistant directors of the movie. It is a whole different matter because while several mainstream newspapers reported about the 'success' party along with pictures of the massively popular ensemble cast members, none reported about the 'ruckus' and 'trashing' that happened at the end of the party due to this 'upsetting' event. (Production head honcho was very upset about this evidently). The news of this has leaked because some of the party attenders have alluded to what happened on their social media.  

This got me thinking about how our boys - that is- most Tamil boys specifically and more liberally, young Indian boys (late teens and early twenties), have absolutely no idea on how to hit on single women they meet in clubs/pubs/restaurants without coming across as complete creeps. 

1. They do not know how to read if a woman is interested in them or not. ( Just because a woman is dancing with you, alone or with a group of friends, does not mean she wants you to paw her. It means she just wants to dance.)

2. Even if the guy perceives interest from a woman and reciprocate the interest, he does not know how to take it forward.

3. If they do make a verbal sexual proposition to a woman, it most often than not, comes across as creepy or crass that makes the woman/girl turn away in disgust. (Not everyone can be a Joey Tribbianni and click his tongue and make a kissy face and have women get naked. First that's not reality, and also Chennai, Bangalore, Hyderabad and Cochin is not New York.) 

(Disclaimer : I'm talking exclusively about boys/men who understand consent- I am not talking about the sexual harassers/ molesting creeps - This article is just about the run of the mill, regular Kumars of my generation) 

So - they need pointers/tips on making a proposition - a polite proposition to a woman, one that has a better response than getting a slap / slipper to the face, or worse if the boy is the clueless type who makes an idiot of himself(see above point 1), then, the girl gets shocked/ yells at him, and then, trashing from other men who are nearby. 

1 . Is the woman/girl sustaining eye contact with you ? This is the first indicator. Because if a girl identifies you as a creep/sleazo, then her eyes will slide away fast. You better not make an approach if there is anything sexual on your mind. 

2. Is your conversation interesting?  Coz if you are only going to keep on talking about your self and not let her get a word in, the interest will flag faster than the next coffee/ drink/course will arrive at your table/nook.

3. Girls these days are very progressive. If they are interested in you for more than friendship, most will let you know, if not explicitly, then at least there will be verbal indicators if not physical signalling. Learn to listen to the verbal and non-verbal cues the girl/woman is giving you.

4. It is perfectly okay to ask -"Can I kiss you? " in a polite tone and get a resounding "NO" as an answer and have an uncomfortable conversation or be ignored by the girl later, rather than hint around and waste your time and hers, or worse, try something stupid that would get you a slap on the face. 

5. Also, be mentally prepared that the girl may/will gossip about your moves/overtures with her friends and you may get snide remarks/be teased about your actions later by her friends and your friends if you have common friends or move in the same circles. Be prepared to take the teasing good natured-ly or at least to shrug it off with panache . ( This is if you are a poor reader of signs of interest shown in you and you have managed to completely misread the girl and she is angry/irritated with you.) 

6. If the answer is "Yes", then kiss her for sure, but try not to maul the poor girl/woman and try to let her take the lead so you understand where her comfort/discomfort levels are. After all, she only agreed to kiss you.  

Note: These points are all for newly met women/girls. If you are slotted firmly in the friend-zone with a girl you have known for a while, the open and sustained eye-contact the girl may maintain with you will be very different than if she wants to be in your pants. Please don't hit on your existing female friends unless you are ABSOLUTELY SURE there is sexual interest, because that is the fastest way to lose the friend.  

The controversy of Religion and the controversy of Race- I

I am a Hindu by birth. What does that mean? I pray to certain gods and perform certain rituals? Certainly. But while these gods are prayed to by many Hindus, the rituals I perform are informed by my geography and the social and cultural groups that I was born into. 

Simply : For Eg: Varalakshmi Pooja in Tamil Nadu is celebrated by certain castes (Praying for their husband's longevity to Goddess Lakshmi) while my family does not. Kaaradaiyan Nonbu, is a similar festival (praying for husband's longevity to Goddess Gowri/Parvathi) that my family observes. I haven't heard of the practise of fasting for Kaaradaiyan Nonbu by other caste groups. North India (some parts) observe the Karva Chauth fast for a similar purpose. People in the East may observe/perform a ritual and fast for the same purpose as well. All are celebrated on different days of the year. 

We Hindus are an amalgam of many practises and various rituals. The South Indians have embraced gods from the north and North Indians have taken up gods from the South. There will of course be controversy when you talk about invading people (Aryans) and how South Indians should not accept their gods. The Aryan Invasion Theory is being hotly debated everyday with new genome studies of various population groups. (By the Way : Can we comfortably identify solely as descended from one group in this day and age? Are we claiming that our genetic pool is solely from Ancestral South Indians? There is no ancestor from the east? No ancestor from the North? Are we claiming that our ancestors who arrived in India "out of Africa " about 65000-50000 years ago did not intermingle with anyone else? ) There are people talking about the Tamil God Seyyon has been metamorphosed into Murugan/Karthikeyan the son of Shiva on many online platforms. Talking about Shiva - some are claiming that the God from the Himalayas  is just one Shiva - and his form has taken over the identity of the local worship of the "Linga", which means so many things in so many places that even the wikipedia entry for it is confusing. 

Now, coming to the recent controversy that began when one movie director said that - The Chola King Rajaraja I (originally named : Arulmozhi Varman) wasn't Hindu, he was talking about politics and the current saffronisation or maybe Hindutva-sation of Tamil historical figures. (He was a Saivaite obviously given that he spent vast amount of resources on building the biggest Shiva Temple in TN and during his time many Shiva Temples were stone -worked over from bricks and hence making them long lasting.) But the controversy evolved super fast from history - Was Rajaraja Hindu? into one of current religion- primarily - one of - "Are we Hindus?" in Tamil Nadu. Then further into : "Who are Hindus?" 

I have heard so many discussions about this : for in every house , every street-corner tea-shop, this topic has raged in various intensities. And the conclusions are many. But most people agree on a few things: 

1. There was no "Hindu" religion before the advent of the Britishers. "Hindustan" or "Indoostan" was a term in common use to denote the people who lived south the Indus River. "Hindu" was a convenient common name to give to people who lived south of the Himalayas for the Britishers who were in colonial consolidation mode and they did it to make life easy for themselves - for administering this widely varied people they found - in the peninsula south of the Indus. 

2. Many agree that the people who live in "Modern India" as we know it now and identify as Hindu, have a largely common way of life. ( Which by the way also has space for the "non-believers". That is, those who self-identify as atheists have always been a part of our culture, because as many elder people keep telling me - Hinduism is not really a religion, it is a way of life, Hindu Dharma has space for the atheists too.)

3. People remember reading in their history books the primary religions that make up Hinduism. They are now called the primary "sects" of Hinduism.  1. Saivaites ( Shiva), 2, Vaishnavaites(Vishnu), 3. Shaktism (Shakti - various forms of the Goddess) 4. Gaumaram (Karthikeya/Murugan worship) 5. Ganapathyam (Ganesh worship) .....there are many isms- for people who worship as their primary god : Surya, Indra, Varuna etc....And there is the Smartha tradition ....and the various aithas came: dwaithas, advaitha, vishishwadwaitha....basically, different ways to reach God, surrender to God, or claim that we are the gods? ...or whatever....I have a long way to go before I begin to truly understand what those 8th, 9th and10th century philosophers were preaching.

What all these arguments and discussions have brought back for me, along with a dose of regional/language pride (I blame the movie PS-I for all this btw, and Mani Rathnam) is the question of : 1. What does my race (Primarily ASI) say about my religion? 2. Am I praying to the right Gods? (Who are the Right Gods btw? :-) 3. If Ram, Krishna and even Shiva are imports from Gangetic Plains, then who were the local gods then, let us say 2000 years ago ? (See, the whole village deity doesn't compute in these days of city living. Where will my local guardian deity be if I live in Bangalore? In Hebbal? or Whitefield? or Adugodi? lol) 4. Am I supposed to be praying to the pre-north infusion/consolidated version of Murugan/Karthikeya - that is: Seyyon? If he is the warrior God - and my modern life has no part of war - will my petty non-war concerns even matter to him? 

(I keep coming back to Muruga/Karthikeya - because though I belong to caste that claims to be Saivaite - in every relative's home I have been to , the picture/idol of Murugan is the centrepiece/biggest. Is this a Tamil thing? Or that my ancestors have been following both Saivism and Gowmaaram? Then I wonder if when the cult of Saivism took over large tracts of population, it was convenient to hook the Tamils by claiming that Shiva was the father of Murugan? Also note, there is a discrepancy between the order of children Shiva has between the north and south. Here we say that Ganesha was the older one, but in the north it is the other way around.  Also, note that most modern Indians, based on just the north-south discrepancy- over years come to some sort of understanding that Hinduism is a amalgamated religion model and hence it fundamentally differs from the Single God with prophet/prophets religion model. One, there is choice of gods (pick who you want and pray) and choice in worship form that is denied to those who believe in a monotheistic religion. Two, space for the agnostics and atheists that is not available in monotheistic religions. Three- clearly less space for fanaticism as one person/entity cannot claim to know God's Plan and dictate agenda for the believers based on religion. 

In any case, this whole controversy has given rise to one thing - people are reading more, asking more questions about their past, debating history and who wrote it and with what agendas and about the evolution of this wonderful thing called Hinduism- be it religion, dharma or way-of-life.

 

Love for Hrithik-Roshan !!!!!!!

 My youngest has joined the Hrithik Roshan bandwagon.....Yay! I now have company in wanting to see his songs (who has the patience to sit through movies these days? or the time?) ....of course, she is 4 and her appreciation for his face and dance have a completely different emotion attached to it, but still.....Yay!!

Tiger-Mom or Push-over Mom?

Now, as kids, we all thought we could do better than our parents. Come on, didn't you tell yourself at least once, "If I had a kid, I would deal with the kid completely differently compared to these idiots."? Or some version of that? Especially when beaten by our no-issues-with-corporal-punishment parents' generation? Never the sparing rod 70's, 80's, even 90's parents? 

Turns out that effective parenting is not as easy as we thought it was, just like most adult responsibilities. 

Where do we draw the line between guiding a child and forcing a child against his/her will? That is my question for the day. My older kid is strong willed, and my younger one is worse. 

Most kids don't have good decision making skills  - this is a fact. Mostly because they live in the now. Study now play later - is lost on them, because later seems too far away. Getting them to do home-work itself is a chore, depending on mood, subject, the teacher's personality ("That Mam is so mean" or That mam is angry all the time, I don't like her) or  "I wanna watch TV" demands, etc.

Sending them to extra-curricular classes : this is my current parenting issue. What is a reasonable demand vs an impossible demand? Sending them to one/two classes per week seems to be reasonable to me. Since these classes are scheduled bang in between their play time, it seems to be impossible to them. 

Is it fair to the child to force him/her to learn a skill against their will? If they cry and protest, won't their mood and attitude affect the learning outcomes? Just because he/she cries and makes a scene, shouldn't  I, being the older, responsible adult, looking to the long term, force him/her to attend the class? 

Where should I put my foot down and where shouldn't I? Questions, questions. Sigh. 

Joy in the day-to-day

 As one grows older, one begins to get wisdom - or so they claim. I am just left with more unanswered questions and fewer definite answers. I write less, I exercise less, I play less, I eat less, I spend less on myself. The only thing that being an older adult and all that it entails have left me is more work. As a kid I thought that the adults have everything. But now I find that the opposite is true. Adults have a lot of work and responsibilities and very less enjoyment, true enjoyment, that we experienced as kids. I assume that once I become a true old lady - in my 60's maybe , If I live that long and retire from a full time job, I may have more time on my hands to do as I see fit, but I doubt it. By then, I would hopefully be a grandmother, and grandmothers have a lot of work too. But, I digress. 

Enjoyment in the small things: Are the longer lived years making us more jaded compared to kids where a lot of experiences are new? And with time, will we lose more of our joie de verve and be filled with ennui for life? Is this why some older people get religious- seeking God as a way to feel some joy? Also, Is this why  some older people get better at accepting the concept of death? Aaah, I'm so bored with this world, I might as well go?  

I am trying to understand joy and the pull this emotion has on us, to keep us tethered in this realm. I am trying to find a way to keep joy in my life and clearly failing miserably as a lot of things feel designed to pull me down. All I'm left with is weird pondering that goes nowhere. And then I get back to my chores. Aah, the humdrum of middle class life with middle class concerns, time tables to be followed, lunches to be packed and meetings that need attending and people who need to be called back. What would we do without you all?  

The role of a government in a pandemic

 What is the role of an elected government during a pandemic?

Is its role to protect each life or make wide sweeping decisions for the greater good ? How much of such a decision making policy have to do with out cultural context ? Let's say, we as Indians have always been more skewed to the collective rather than the individual. So is the government also more skewed towards protecting the many rather than the individual ? 

I'm going to make a disclaimer here and say that I have nothing for or against the current BJP government- both centre and state- in this particular topic. 

My questions are about the vaccines we have and their approx 0.61/million chance of killing anyone who takes them. (Clots post vaccination ). This percentage  seems to be still under debate, but we know that it is not zero. Some people, very few people, are developing clots and even fewer still - to the tune of 6 people out of 1 crore of those who take the vaccines are dying. And we are 140 crore people in this country. Even if we manage to vaccinate half the population we are talking about 400 odd people dying due to the vaccines.

So, in the interest of protecting a larger number of the population from dying, this is effectively government approved death of a smaller number of people. And we have to pay for the chance to die- the vaccines are not even free! for the 18-44 year old group.  

Our government is not alone in making this hard decision of using an imperfect vaccine, several others have chosen to continue with the available vaccine - Astrazeneca or other easily available vaccine- than waiting for a perfect vaccine- which will not have the risk of death associated with it. Some European countries have halted the use of the clot-risk vaccine for the section of the population with highest risk of clot development. Some developing countries have also stopped the use of this vaccine. Is it because they are places where the individual good is more important than the collective good? Are those the places where every single life is important?  Why is every single person's life not important in India? Is it because we have a lot of disposable population? Where if a few extra people die, it is thought to be okay? 

This is a pandemic- and all solutions should be welcome. There is no perfect solution. There is no perfect vaccines. All vaccines come with some side effects. I agree with all these statements. So, we should use the vaccines we have. But can't the government restrict its use in the population group where the clots are occurring more and mortality is the result. Why can't they spend money and political effort to get a vaccine that doesn't kill people? Where deaths can be avoided, we should avoid them, no?

Life will go on.....

 Life must go on. Haven’t we seen enough movies set in post-apocalyptic worlds to know this truth? Even setting aside the jokes, in living memory, human beings have always found a way to cling to life – floods have comes, earth quakes and tsunamis, but life finds a way. It always does.

So even though this past two years has felt like the end of the world, it is not really the end. Well, You (reader) and I might still die due to covid, people around us, our loved ones, friends and extended family, will still live on to do stupid things another day. 

Small comfort, but we should take them where we find them, no?