Joy in the day-to-day

 As one grows older, one begins to get wisdom - or so they claim. I am just left with more unanswered questions and fewer definite answers. I write less, I exercise less, I play less, I eat less, I spend less on myself. The only thing that being an older adult and all that it entails have left me is more work. As a kid I thought that the adults have everything. But now I find that the opposite is true. Adults have a lot of work and responsibilities and very less enjoyment, true enjoyment, that we experienced as kids. I assume that once I become a true old lady - in my 60's maybe , If I live that long and retire from a full time job, I may have more time on my hands to do as I see fit, but I doubt it. By then, I would hopefully be a grandmother, and grandmothers have a lot of work too. But, I digress. 

Enjoyment in the small things: Are the longer lived years making us more jaded compared to kids where a lot of experiences are new? And with time, will we lose more of our joie de verve and be filled with ennui for life? Is this why some older people get religious- seeking God as a way to feel some joy? Also, Is this why  some older people get better at accepting the concept of death? Aaah, I'm so bored with this world, I might as well go?  

I am trying to understand joy and the pull this emotion has on us, to keep us tethered in this realm. I am trying to find a way to keep joy in my life and clearly failing miserably as a lot of things feel designed to pull me down. All I'm left with is weird pondering that goes nowhere. And then I get back to my chores. Aah, the humdrum of middle class life with middle class concerns, time tables to be followed, lunches to be packed and meetings that need attending and people who need to be called back. What would we do without you all?  

The role of a government in a pandemic

 What is the role of an elected government during a pandemic?

Is its role to protect each life or make wide sweeping decisions for the greater good ? How much of such a decision making policy have to do with out cultural context ? Let's say, we as Indians have always been more skewed to the collective rather than the individual. So is the government also more skewed towards protecting the many rather than the individual ? 

I'm going to make a disclaimer here and say that I have nothing for or against the current BJP government- both centre and state- in this particular topic. 

My questions are about the vaccines we have and their approx 0.61/million chance of killing anyone who takes them. (Clots post vaccination ). This percentage  seems to be still under debate, but we know that it is not zero. Some people, very few people, are developing clots and even fewer still - to the tune of 6 people out of 1 crore of those who take the vaccines are dying. And we are 140 crore people in this country. Even if we manage to vaccinate half the population we are talking about 400 odd people dying due to the vaccines.

So, in the interest of protecting a larger number of the population from dying, this is effectively government approved death of a smaller number of people. And we have to pay for the chance to die- the vaccines are not even free! for the 18-44 year old group.  

Our government is not alone in making this hard decision of using an imperfect vaccine, several others have chosen to continue with the available vaccine - Astrazeneca or other easily available vaccine- than waiting for a perfect vaccine- which will not have the risk of death associated with it. Some European countries have halted the use of the clot-risk vaccine for the section of the population with highest risk of clot development. Some developing countries have also stopped the use of this vaccine. Is it because they are places where the individual good is more important than the collective good? Are those the places where every single life is important?  Why is every single person's life not important in India? Is it because we have a lot of disposable population? Where if a few extra people die, it is thought to be okay? 

This is a pandemic- and all solutions should be welcome. There is no perfect solution. There is no perfect vaccines. All vaccines come with some side effects. I agree with all these statements. So, we should use the vaccines we have. But can't the government restrict its use in the population group where the clots are occurring more and mortality is the result. Why can't they spend money and political effort to get a vaccine that doesn't kill people? Where deaths can be avoided, we should avoid them, no?

Life will go on.....

 Life must go on. Haven’t we seen enough movies set in post-apocalyptic worlds to know this truth? Even setting aside the jokes, in living memory, human beings have always found a way to cling to life – floods have comes, earth quakes and tsunamis, but life finds a way. It always does.

So even though this past two years has felt like the end of the world, it is not really the end. Well, You (reader) and I might still die due to covid, people around us, our loved ones, friends and extended family, will still live on to do stupid things another day. 

Small comfort, but we should take them where we find them, no?

Why a believer must partner with a non-believer

 I was raised by a believer – full on faith in god- mother and a non-believer - an agnostic father. I believe that this has given me a balanced perspective. I am neither and I am both. I’m tempted by both belief systems. I am comforted by both and I think that both give me succor when I need it.

Let us be real for a minute- religion is not going anywhere. It has been around for thousands of years and all literature and propaganda from the communists and atheist movements notwithstanding, there is a reason that religions have endured in all parts of the world in different forms. When people believe in something together, it has more power. Would I believe something easily if others did not believe before me, along with me and the idea did not have enough power to make people believe after me? Humans seem to give more power to an idea when others think it’s a good idea. Call it the peril of being a social thinking animal. It’s the same thing with atheists. If the first atheist in any part of the world did not succeed in convincing the second person that his/her idea that there were no superior beings or Gods watching over them would their movement be so wide spread?

But coming back to the power of groupthink or group belief, religion offers people an out. A place of safety, where sins are forgiven, where fears are assuaged and there is a feel good factor when we place our burdens elsewhere – as in, at the feet of god and immediately there is a feeling of lightness. Religion has been called the opiate of the masses in the past. In today’s age, maybe God is the therapist of the masses. I mean, the sheer amount of money seeing a therapist regularly would cost. Clearly it’s cheaper to believe.  But, jokes aside, the point is that religion has value, however ephemeral it may be.

Meanwhile, the rational point of view- not believing anything that cannot be seen, heard or felt – as in God and the faith in a superior entity, gives us a comfort too, that we have only ourselves to depend on. That the universe is a random place where nothing is predictable and anything can happen anytime and hence now is the time to just live our lives.

I believe that having both perspectives and not being too attached to seeing God and religion in only one way is essential to stop having fanatical thoughts / ideologies of either kind. If every person out there decided to marry and tolerate a person who has the opposing viewpoint about religion, we would have no religion terrorism. Wouldn’t that be a great thing?

The long life of the Mask

 So, we have been masking up for nearly a year now. And it has made a difference for a lot of people. Forget about the corona virus, the flu season went by without being noticed due to this new mask wearing habit we have been saddled with. Every year, like clock work, between the months of November and  February, I would be afflicted with at least two bouts of the cold-cough-sore throat symptoms and maybe with a bout of fever as well. My eldest who has reactive airway issues, would get have a runny nose all day and a stuffy one all night and we could all forget our sleep. But this year, she hasn't gotten an episode. Not a single one. 

But, as the data already suggests, people are not being as mask compliant now as they were in the beginning of the un-lockdowns. (Whoever came up with that should be beaten. That is unwieldy. Lockdown made sense. But shouldn't someone in Delhi have put in more of an effort to come up with something better than un-lockdown?) When I drive to rural centres in Karnataka ( work-related day trips), I can see very well that the people there don't wear masks at all. Blame the open country-side and the absence of crowded, unventilated, air-conditioned spaces and maybe the effect of cohabiting with farm animals, the people living in villages seem hardier than us city folks when it comes to disease resistance. So, they never wore masks to begin with, shrugging off Covid-19 like a mild pest that affects only city dwellers. 

Not to mention, we as a species communicate more with our expressions and body language than our words. So if the mask covers up 2/3rds of our face- how effectively are we communicating? Also, we have a need to see the faces of the people we love. So, is long term mask-compliance even possible? Also, we are social animals. The ingenious outdoor birthday parties in my apartment complex shows me how much the aunties miss their get-togethers. ( I doubt the kids are the driving force behind these parties. It is the mothers who organise these shindigs and fathers are a complete no-show. ) I miss meeting my family face to face, and I feel that most people feel the same. (There are exceptions to every rule. I'm sure someone is rolling their eyes at this and saying good riddance to their relatives using Covid-19 as the happy excuse to miss any and all gatherings. 

So, when can we safely say goodbye to the mask, I keep wondering. A year? Two? Arrggghhhh......

90 days of Social Distancing and Where are we?

I live in one of those big fat apartment complexes that have sprouted like mushrooms all around the outskirts of our metros - 1300 odd apartments and about 5000 residents - which is community living at its best (Imagine an eye-roll here) . As you have surmised, I'm not a complete convert, even if I agree that apartment complex living comes with a host of advantages. I may be able to make my peace with a row house in a gated community, which at least gives an illusion of independence and agency ( You wouldn't believe the rules we have to abide by in apartment living - if you have never lived in one. And the rules have only become more draconian after the imposing of lockdown)

In anycase, when I moved in here as a newly wed, courtesy of flat-brat hubby( Which is derogatory for born and raised in an apartment- in case you're curious) I hated it with no reservations. This was a haven. But it was not meant for me. It was meant for families - not for a lonesome twosome who had way too much time on their hands and wanted the restaurants, clubs and youthful social life that living inside the bustle of the city brings. Which this was so not. This place comes with two huge parks ( Sand + swings+ slides+climbing wall+ Mini Jungle gym etc etc) . There are grassed play areas - for cricket, football and all sorts of play) , badminton courts, basketball court, tennis courts and club house has so many toddler to tween classes that they need a separate manager for those classes) and a walking trail surrounded by beautifully landscaped trees, bushes and flowering plants that was more than a kilometer around.

 I felt very out of place, because children and old people were completely occupied here - and the middle aged - the kids' parents, were completely engrossed in ferrying them around and forming a social life with the other parents and the grandparents had their own circles of grandparents. Married and without kids were an oddity and had nothing in common with the other adults living here.

But, now I have two children, and thanks to my fore-thinking husband- they have an amazing life. They are never bored. They have friends to play with anytime they care to step out of the door. At least, until the corona scare started, the kids practically lived downstairs .( with adult supervision, of course) They are growing up speaking five languages instead of one which we didn't unless we went to an English medium school - and then we grew up speaking two. They have access to being grubby with sand, like we grew up in the 80s and 90s. They have access to slides and swings which most of us didn't have ready access to when we were kids. ( I had to hike to the community park a kilometer away when I was a child). It seems like an amazing meld of two ways of life- the old and the new. They are privileged indeed, being exposed to the living styles of Punjabis, Manipuris, Maharashtrians, Konkanis, Keralites, name a state and my older child can name a friend from there.
 (Well, this is south India after all, so I think the N.E states are not completely represented. But there may only two two missing out of the seven)

But, the past 90 days have left the place eerily empty. There are rules and they are strictly enforced. Atleast in the initial lockdown (you know, 1.0? ) kids just weren't allowed out. No walking, no jogging, no gym, no badminton, no community activity of any sort for  adults. No maids- coz who knows if they are carriers. ( Insert eyeroll here ) Over cautious much management committe? ( and before you think, classist managament committee, also no courier, no delivery of any sort, no trainers, no tuition, no group classes , nothing breached the complex other than essential services -namely groceries and veggies and milk during lockdown 1.0.) Managing kids, job ( yup, that didn't stop, being part of the essential services and all -banking, ) cooking, cleaning shopping and all miscellany without a maid told me that I made the right decision in coming back to India. USA, hmmm, not for the weak willed and weaker backed.

In anycase , we are living in an enclosed campus with 5000 odd people. And this lockdown has taught me, that we are just as alone as we would be in an independant house. We may share walls here, but not lives. It's each family for itself in these uniquely challenging times. We are all neighbours afraid of one another , afraid for our own vulnerable, the old and the young. And we are all left with just a few common questions, will this corona fear subside? Can there be an effective treatment protocol for the old people and those with existing diseases that are now resulting in death?  And the most burning burning question - Will there be a good vaccine ?  When? 

The compulsion of the first baby and the choice of the second

I am now mother to two children. As I see a lot of my peers going through a choice - of whether to have a child at all, or two, or in rare cases, three - all valid and right choices, I wonder about the factors that drive these choices.

Free availability of money is clearly a factor as is parental or in-law support for the raising of children , especially for working mothers. Not to mention, physical ability to have one of course - this is an issue as old as time - fertility. And mental fortitude to actually raise the child/children one has, instead of running off to Kasi or to a far off relative's house, to an isolated tropical island - which all mothers and fathers get tempted to at some point, depending on the weight of their purse.

In the way I see it, for most Indians of the child bearing age, the first child seems to be almost a compulsion - the biological imperative - to reproduce and propagate the species - though they don't think of their choice to have a child in those words, for sure. The intense need to experience motherhood (and Fatherhood too, though it is less articulated) feels very real , personal and an independant animal in itself, to be explained in such prosaic terms such as "propagate the species." The woman or man, doesn't ever think that that is indeed what she/he is doing- for the intense need to have a child is a very selfish , personal expression of themselves - such is the way the individual mind is designed to fool itself so that the species benefits. How devious is nature or God, huh? ( What ever designed life according to your belief system).

But, the interesting thing is the choice to have a second child. It is hard to predict which way a couple goes as far as having a second child is concerned. People who grew up happily with siblings most likely make the choice to have another child. People who grew up as single kids feel that they weren't denied anything special and make the choice to stop with one. Going through a few more years of sleepless nights is not something anyone decides about lightly, especially in this day of easy living. As a generation, most of us din't do hard labour as children or as teens outside or even in our own homes, and raising a small baby, especially the first couple of years, is indeed hard labour. And who wants to sign up for that unless absolutely necessary?

As we all look for reasons to make ourselves feel letter about the choices we make, this Covid-19 lockdown, has shown me something that I always felt to be true. Imagine keeping a single child occupied for 3-4 months inside the house! I see my friends, colleagues and neighbours with single kids. And I see those children growing more and more isolated in their homes. How much of the parent's time and effort goes into making sure the child stays engaged and not getting upto naughtiness or just getting stuck on the TV or Laptop or phone screens?

 But, we made the choice to have two. And now, they play with each other, talk to each other, engage each other in conversation. And my work in making sure the house is not a prison for them is cut in half. They have each other, as playmates. They have each other to learn from. They have each other to fight with and make up with. And hopefully they will grow up with each other and enrich each other's lives. And we, my husband and I, never need fear the lockdowns or the quarantines or even the bunkers, as far as the kids are concerned.